All Grown Up Read online

  He was tempted to take the tissue and throw it away. He wanted to be the center of her attention, but didn’t want to do anything to stop her from talking to him. “Didn’t I follow the contract to your satisfaction?”

  It was the first and last time she’d ever voiced her wants and desires. She had always been so damn shy. She preferred to send him an email or write him a note, anything to avoid stating her opinion or engaging in a confrontational discussion. Since this was obviously important to her, Steven had done his damnedest to be everything she said she wanted. He’d picked out her clothes, gave her a list of chores, cut her food, read her bedtime stories, every single thing she’d asked for. What the fuck more could he have done?

  Tears started flowing again and he gave her a new tissue. It was a good thing she was wearing rubber or she’d be soaked to the skin and she hated being cold. He was trying to keep an emotional barrier between them but it wasn’t working.

  “No, that’s not what I meant. You did everything perfectly and I hated it.” She whispered her confession.

  “What?” His tone was sharp. “Why didn’t you come to me? Hell, I came to you more times than I can count and every time… Every. Damn. Time. You told me things were fine. What the fuck, Brianna?” Her statement about letting pride and fear stand in the way made sense now.

  “I know. I screwed up. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me, so I ran.”

  Steven locked his jaw to keep from speaking until his rage passed. Six years, his career, their dreams…all gone because she feared he’d be disappointed in her.

  “I felt like a complete failure.” Her pain was clearly evident in her voice.

  Vague memories of similar comments were coming back to him. He’d thought, at the time, they had been related to her struggling to find a job. Since he had made enough money to keep them living comfortably, he hadn’t placed much emphasis on it. She’d just graduated from college. It took time to land the perfect job.

  “You were my life, Brianna. Had you confided in me, we could have talked it out, renegotiated our contract. It was never meant to be written in stone. If it hadn’t adapted to our changing needs, we would have grown stagnant.” His head was spinning. A tiny thread, one he’d discounted as inconsequential, had unraveled his entire life. Fuck.

  “Can you ever forgive me? I want us to start again.” She looked up at him, a gorgeous mess.

  Steven wanted that too, but he knew it couldn’t work. He shook his head. “I can and do forgive you, Brianna.” His heart was breaking and yet he had no choice. He unlatched his collar and threw it on the ground. “But there is no point in trying again. There’s no trust between us…apparently there never was…and without it, there’s nothing to build on.”

  “Don’t do this, Steven, please. I need you. I’ve missed you so much. Every day I’ve lived with the consequences of my actions, knowing I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. I can’t do it anymore.”

  “That’s what your note said. I can’t do this anymore. What happens the next time you feel like you can’t do something? Do I get tossed to the curb again?” Every time an issue arose, he’d be afraid she’d hit the road. Brianna had always been non-confrontational. Her unwillingness to discuss issues with him had prompted the written contract in the first place. It was one of the few ways he’d gained insight into her likes and dislikes.

  “No, Steven. Do you think it was easy for me to come here and admit my mistakes? This wasn’t a whim or happenstance. I’ve been searching for you because I can’t live without you. Please, give us a chance.” Her hands were balled into fists.

  Yes, he knew how hard it was for her to come to him. The Brianna he’d known would have sent him an email or slipped him a note, anything not to have to face him. The fact that she had dropped off to sleep the moment she was in his arms proved the physical toll the confrontation cost her.

  “You’re not the Brianna I once knew and I’ve changed in countless ways as well. What we had is gone and we can’t get it back.” He had loved her with all his heart and soul. Nothing had been held in reserve and when she left, he’d been fractured into so many pieces he doubted he’d ever be whole again.

  “Steven, I don’t want what we had and you’re right, I’m not that same girl. I’ve done a lot of growing up in the years we’ve been apart. I want a future with you and this time, I’m willing to fight for it.”

  There was a sparkle in her eyes that he’d never seen before. It was intriguing and fucking sexy. His dick was an easy sell. It wanted Brianna any way it could have her. Damn it. That phrase “I’m willing to fight for it” was bouncing around in his head. They’d never fought, even when she was upset about something. She’d circle the issue…send him an email with hints that there was a problem, but she’d never come out and tell him what it was.

  “Do you remember when we first started dating and you introduced me to the lifestyle? I was so shy, I blushed every time you brought it up.”

  He had forgotten those early days when she’d been so timid the mere mention of sex had caused her to tremble, and not in a good way. A rush of bittersweet memories came to mind. “You refused to talk about sex, so I asked you to start a blog and post things you’d like to try.” He chuckled and, without realizing it, wrapped his arms tighter around her. “What a mistake that had been. While searching the internet you managed to scare yourself half to death. You didn’t return my calls or texts for a week. I ended up missing a day of work to drive to your apartment and make sure you were okay.”

  She nodded. “You told me trust is earned one deed at a time. What we’d built together, my actions obliterated. I know I’m not starting with a clean slate. I understand it will take time to repair the damage and longer still to rebuild your trust in me. I’m asking you to give me another chance. I promise you, I won’t hurt you again.”

  Steven let the memories flood back in. He’d fought so hard to keep them at bay, especially their early days together. For her, his protective streak had been a mile wide. Part of him had felt like a dark angel, leading her down a path someone of her light didn’t belong. Oh, he knew she was submissive and, without indulging in that aspect of her personality, she would never be truly happy, but he had wished she’d come to him with a little more experience under her belt. Seeing the fear in her eyes each time they tried something new had twisted his gut. But her sexy smile as pleasure washed over her had made it all worthwhile.

  He wondered how many guys had seen that expression on her face. They were all lucky men and they had better have taken precious care of her.

  “I have no idea how many women I’ve been with since you left.” She had to know the truth. They couldn’t start again if she thought he’d spent the whole time pining away for her. Although he had thought about her every damn day and dreamed about her each night, he’d also fucked more women than he could count.

  A knowing grin lit her eyes. “Steven, you were a man-whore when I met you and I fully expected you to return to your old ways after I left. But I don’t hold it against you. It’s actually how I tracked you down. About a month ago, you scened with my best friend. She came home raving about Master Steven…”

  “Glad to hear I haven’t lost my touch.” A lopsided grin touch his lips. He refused to feel guilty for anything he’d done since she’d left, but he couldn’t stop thinking that if he’d spent a little more time building her faith in him, she would have turned to him instead of running. It wasn’t fair to lay all the blame on her. By assuming he knew her mind, he’d played a part in their demise. He had allowed her to hide her thoughts from him, rather than push her out of her comfort zone and demand she tell him what was bothering her.

  “What made you decide to find me?” He suspected someone had hurt her and she was falling back on the comfortable memories they shared.

  A pensive look crossed her face. “I do business with a lady, a widow. One day we were talking about lost loves. She said the first year after her husband passed away, she wasn’t sure she would survive, but each year, it got easier and easier. After five years, she was ready to move on.”

  Brianna took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “It’s been six years and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I dream about you at night. Sexy dreams, or maybe they’re memories. I don’t know anymore, but I know you are the only man I ever want.”

  “Who hurt you Brianna?” He had to know.

  She looked at him blankly. “What do you mean?”

  “You left me six years ago because I wasn’t the man you wanted and now, suddenly I am. Who made you decide I was the man for you? Who are you running from?” He felt brittle inside thinking about another man causing her pain. In so many ways, she was fragile and in need of protection. During those first few months, the thought that she was out there somewhere without his protection kept him awake at night—that and a shitload of self-doubt and second-guessing.

  Brianna scrambled off his lap and paced back and forth in front of him. “Why would you think this is about another man? I never lied to you. I sometimes evaded your questions…okay, I often evaded your questions, but I never lied to you.” She leaned against his desk with her arms across her chest.

  Steven was impressed that Brianna was sticking up for herself. In years past, she had moped or been moody, but never stood up to him. Maybe they had a chance after all. He sat up, spread his legs and pointed for her to come to him. Her nose was slightly in the air and turned to the side as she walked to him. She was miffed yet obeyed his silent command and she kneeled before him. God, he’d missed her. “I didn’t accuse you of lying. I asked who hurt you.”

  “I hurt me. I was the moron who left the only man I have ever loved. In six years, I’ve never met a man who could make me breathless with a simple touch. In fact, no man has laid a hand on my body or come within ten feet of my heart. Both belong to you.”

  Her temper was still getting the better of her and he was growing hard enough to pound nails just looking at her. She had never shown him this side and it was such a treat. He put his finger under her chin and applied pressure until she lifted her face. Still in a pout, she refused to meet his gaze. “Look at me,” he demanded in a soft voice.

  She tossed her hair behind her shoulder, shaking off his finger in the process, but met his gaze. Defiance and hurt shown back at him.

  “As I’ve said, I slept with many women, but every night I dreamed of you. It was your memory I kept wrapped around me.” In a box of keepsakes, just a few feet away, on the other side of his desk, in a Ziploc bag, was her pillowcase. Evenings when he was feeling particularly melancholy, he’d pull it out and walk down memory lane, usually with a bottle of cognac to keep him company.

  He didn’t know if he believed her statement about remaining celibate for the years since she’d left him, but it didn’t matter. She was here now and if she was willing to try again, so was he. It was probably the worst decision he’d made in recent years, but the alternative was unacceptable.

  “Will you give us a chance?” For the first time, she looked at him with something other than fear or regret.

  “I have a few stipulations, but if you agree to them, yes. I’d like to try again.” Her response mattered. He wouldn’t be happy if she readily agreed. He wanted a partner, someone who was coming into this with her eyes wide open, someone who was willing to voice her likes and dislikes.

  “I’d like to hear them.” Her demeanor was solemn, but still hopeful.

  An ear-to-ear grin broke across his face. The Brianna of years past would have agreed to anything that made him happy then left a note in his briefcase a few days later with vague clues that she wasn’t as onboard with it as she’d pretended. Brianna version 2.0 was looking him in the eye and waiting for his terms. Some of the knots in his belly were loosening. God, this might work.

  The moment of truth… His Dom face fell into place like a shield guarding his emotions. “If you choose to be my submissive, you must bare your soul to me. Your every thought will be mine. You may not hold anything back or evade my inquiries. No more hiding behind letters in my briefcase or emails. I’ve learned the hard way that I can sometimes overlook important details. You must be willing to speak to me directly on all subjects.”

  “I want to be more than your submissive, I want to be your willing slave.” She rubbed her face along his inner thigh.

  Although he was proud of her for speaking her mind and a small part of him was jumping for joy, he didn’t like where this was heading. His first thought was to say no—he didn’t want a slave and he refused to enter into another relationship he knew was doomed from the outset. But he couldn’t demand she share her thoughts with him then immediately shoot her down without giving her opinion any consideration. “Why?” He lifted her head away from his lap so he could see her expression.

  “I want the completeness of a Master/slave arrangement. I’m so tired of being without you.” Her eyes closed as a look of longing crossed her face. “I don’t want any barriers between us. I want to give myself to you completely.”

  He understood her desire well. There was nothing more satisfying than the emotions that passed between them when Brianna submitted to him. It had been potent and addictive. “Is it possible the yearning for M/s stems from the fact we tried DD/lg at your behest and it didn’t end well? In an M/s relationship all the decisions would be mine, thus removing your accountability.”

  Her eyes jumped to his then slowly closed again. Pain was etched deeply along her features. “Yes, it is possible.”

  Steven knew how hard admitting that was for her. “Thank you, Brianna. I appreciate your honesty.” He leaned forward and brushed his lips across hers. Once he tasted her, all good sense flew out the window. He seized her mouth like a parched man clung to his canteen. She opened immediately and he plunged his tongue inside the haven he’d missed for so long. His heart ached with the pleasure of having her back.

  When his body demanded he breathe, he reluctantly pulled away. “I’ve missed you so much.” He had no idea how he’d survived without her, only that every day had been pure hell.

  Brianna crawled onto his lap while they caught their breath. “I’m so sorry I put us both through this.”

  “You’ve apologized and I’ve forgiven you. From this point forward, we start over. Let go of the past. We both made mistakes and we need to learn from them. Undoubtedly, we’ll need to discuss issues from the past, but you don’t need to apologize again. I made mistakes too. Right now, we need to set the parameters for beginning again. Do you agree to be open with me, to speak with me face-to-face, to discuss your thoughts and feelings about sex or anything else that impacts us?” She felt so right in his arms. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if she said no.

  “I’ll try.” She looked up at him hesitantly. “It’s hard, Steven.”

  A slight tremor rocked through her body. He was asking a lot, but he didn’t have a choice. If she left him again, he honestly didn’t know if he could handle it.

  “I know, Brianna, but we’re worth it.” He knew exactly how she felt. Opening himself up again was so difficult. It was nothing short of handing her a loaded gun.

  She nodded. “Yes, we are. What other stipulations do you have?”

  “We will complete a brand-new interest inventory. I want you to answer completely honestly and without regard to my past preferences. Do you understand?” After she’d left, he’d thought long and hard about their sex life. He’d pushed her pretty often to try new things with the caveat that if she didn’t enjoy it, they wouldn’t do it again. During those long nights alone, he’d wondered if she’d trusted him to respect her wishes and wondered if maybe that was why she’d left.

  “Yes, I can do that.” She looked at him quizzically.

  “What is it, Brianna? Unless I tell you otherwise you always have permission to speak.” Protocols be damned. He wanted to know exactly what she was thinking all the time.

  “I haven’t been intimate with anyone else so I only have our time together to draw from. While I was searching for you, I spent a lot of evenings in clubs, but I always wore a collar so I wouldn’t be approached to play.”

  If she hadn’t been with anyone else in all that time, it made her reason for leaving even more devastating. Her insecurities and inability to deal with conflict were significantly worse than he’d imagined. For their relationship to have a prayer of succeeding, Brianna had to feel she could come to him with anything short of betrayal and he’d always be there for her.

  “I created the blog, just for you. At first, it was a way of working through the questions I had. After a time, it morphed into a ‘wish’ blog. I posted pictures of things I’d like to do with you, places I’d like to go…that sort of thing. You can scroll through it. I made sure nothing there would be too shocking or frightening for you. Some of them are DD/lg in nature. Although our roles will be different, a lot of the sentiments still apply.” Admitting to her that he’d spent hour after hour designing a blog was a little bit like laying his heart on a platter and hoping she wouldn’t toss it out the window. Hopefully it would help her know exactly how much she meant to him.

  Tears trickled from her eyes again. “Steven, you always do and say the sweetest things. I would love to go through it together. I’m not quite as squeamish as I used to be. I spent a lot of time on BDSM community sites looking for you, but I focused my searches on the northeastern states.”

  When she’d left, he’d been positioning himself for a prestigious title and a corner office. No wonder she’d limited her search parameters. “Brianna, I’m not that person anymore. My priorities have changed.”

  “How so?” She looked up at him with honest curiosity.

  He wondered if his new goal set would be a deal breaker for her. “I’m happy here. Most days, I enjoy coming to work. The stress that was eating me alive is gone. I don’t see myself ever returning to New York or even a corporate job. I bought a home with a yard and I’ve thought about buying a dog. My life is quiet and I like it. Corporate success just doesn’t interest me anymore.”

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